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Whether anyone reads by blog or not, there surely is being that is nt just reading my blog but knowing everything in my heart and every word i am writing before it comes out my heart.

my Lord. my Allah.

As selfish as i am, turning to Him desperately in times of need. He has basically made me proud by giving me the feeling whenever i ask Him, i am never turned down. More mercful than anyone, most loving and caring and gentle. every word is enough. Sins drip from me, full of them, from head to toe, but His. He listens, loves me.

Ya Lord, my faith keeps bringing me, keeps me up.  Know, in the heart of my heart that You Love me and will not turn me down. i am answered. i ask His Beloved as well, to ask Him for me, He listens too, Great BEing. What will the world say if you wont listen to me. Bless me, help me. in need of you. Like before. Like always. You have a special thing of picking me u when i am down, broken and lonely but You come in my Heart and take me out of all the darkness. Lord, i am already too much blessed. beyond my capacities. But please be kind to me like always. I know i dont come to you so often, and like this. But whenever You are there, for me. Fill my heart with light and peace and comfort. Basically telling you that takes my worry away because i know it will done. I swear i feel like this. Il be at peace now. That it will be done. Lord, show your blessing in this hour like all others. I kmow i am still grateful but You are kinder every time. Lord thats what You are. All love. Bless me Lord. Dont turn me down. Il be broken otherwise. You have endless to give, just give me one look. It is nothing for you Lord. See my tears. i know they are of anticipated gratefulness. see my hands Lord. shower on me. like always. Like You have always been. and forgive me for mu ungratefulness. Aaqa, i am scared help me. It is all thunderous and scary. Unconfortable. Please provide me with success and comfort. For you Beloved. For i am His as well. You listen to Him Ya Lord. You dont ever leave me empty handed, so many hands are open and waiting. Fill them. Please Lord.

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Losing Yourself In Parenting

I had definitely heard it, but never thought it would be this real. Question is, is this how it is supposed to be? Because that is how the kids are made, right.. Now why that is even challenging for me..I am a working women but that does not go as an excuse because i am not looking after my kid anyways during work time.its the day care etc.but still when you go back home all the work that should have been done during those hours awaits plus the full time responsibility of baby. Then living away from parents and in-laws…but wait, is it their responsibility?? no. they already have raised double of kids we are planning to have..and if this can b tiring deal for us then what to talk of them. What i don’t get is are we supposed to leave our freedom, dreams and all for their better upbringing? Because they did not ask to be brought into this world but now that they are here, they deserve to have the best that we can give. So what are we supposed to do? just give up on excelling in my career, hobbies and me time.. i kind of want responses to this..please..anyone

P.s  i am really really lucky to be a mother of such an adorable baby and just cannot thank Allah enough..

The symptoms fit in, in a way. feelings of guilt as not being good enough of a mom, or of worthlessness. Plus disfigurement and weakness, not being in the perfect state of myself. But what about this anxiety, and depression, feelings of pessimism, and how things are going to unfold, of how i might not be doing well in family life.

But started writing this all to remind me that this depression and pessimism might be there but bigger than this is my Lord, and greater is my hope from Him. He who is always there for me in all ups and downs, how can he leave me when it is one of the times i need Him the most, I need Him to give me strength to deal with the new challenges of life, i know He is there to strengthen my family relation, to pour love in our hearts, to remove all the misunderstandings and sourness, i know Allah g you are there listening to me because you are closer to me than my heart, i Know Ya Allah that even though i might not be in a state to go into sajda yet you re the  one who gives without even my asking. You are always there Ya Allah and i know i swear that you are there right now right here for taking away all my anxiety and pain, for putting my heart at peace, fill it with content, for it is in such a dearth. Ya Allah g you are here for me na, when you are here i swear i don’t need anyone else, i know Allah G that my matter is strange, everything is good for me, yet my Lord yet i beleive that like all these 26 years you will again do which will be favorable to my apparent mind as well as what is genuinely good for me as you know it and i don’t. Please Allah take me out of this misery and anxiety i am solely dependent upon you just like all those times, yes Allah all those times you were there for me, i need you again.

That thing is so vague, that it is not seeming real to me, i still cannot decide whether it was a dream or it happened in real. But really really hoping that it was the dream. Can not figure out if it is not even possible scientifically why is it even bothering me? What fear do i have? i should not have because when i know it cannot ever be, then either it was a dream or some mistake. Sometimes such fears exist because you keep on blessing me so much that it is out of proportion to my deeds. Although i have no doubt over your blessings credit still i believe i am not even the deserver of how much you give me, even without asking. Ya Allah help me again in coming out of this doubt like you always have, be the protector of my respect. Only and only You know how much i love my man and want to be with him with respect and grace, which is only and only possible by your blessing. Be the protector of my health, imaan and izzat. Please Allah i am the ummati of your dear Prophet, in his name bless me and protect me and take us all out of doubts.

Another New Phase Of Life!

yes, been blessed with a baby boy. Been through a lot. Things did not turn out as i planned regarding his arrival. may be thats how Allah planned it. But things that come being a mom, getting to know. Never knew would become so much conscious about him that would say regretting things to my love, about insecurities regarding him. Oh Allah bring peace to my heart and make things smooth for me. Ya Allah this change in my life, make it a blessing for both of us, and source of bringing us together, and not for distancing us.A little mistake that has been committed by me in love, let it not put any greivences in his heart, make his heart softer and more loving for me. I know the time to come is challenging especially for me but as i know i am a really blessed person, so i know Allah will make things better for me. Worrying a lot, naturally. But know this is not going to help. Tired, fatigued, exhausted. too much to handle, want to relax but the set of events is not letting me to. only ya Allah you can help. Please be with me.

The Matter Of A Beleiver

The matter of a believer is strange, everything is good for him. Know this for long but somehow reading it again shook me. How simple and pure this one line is. And how insecure we are. Look at myself, the amount and kind of worrying i do. If Allah has brought me so far in one deal, He will definitely put it to a good end. And if not, even then i am supposed to be okay with it, because i am a believer. And do i have any doubt about it? no, Alhamdulilla! so why worry so much. He knows what He is doing and if certain things are happening, they are supposed to happen this way. Always were. If some decision is randomly being taken by me, and i have no idea as to why, then it must be designed to happen as such. So for now and as always i pray to him and also totally believe that this time like all the other times, He is going to be very kind to me, and from this very moment He will relieve me so soon of this pending deed, Ya Allah i know why this hasn’t been happening up til now is that the wait is for the right moment, and its very very near because now is when i am totally ready. Yes i have complete faith that time is just and just at hand and soon i will be sailing through it as smoothly as i sail at all the deals of my life. I believe that He loves me a lot and will soon be relieving me like anything. Making me feel special again. 🙂 Thank you Allah G!

On Being Alone With Myself

Something i used to fear, living alone, now the thought of it actually does not bother me much. Allah has given me a job, and going to give me company as well. IA. Will never be alone as such. Absence of people around used to scare me. But guess long waits, and then routine of the one supposed to be my company at all times, has made me capable of enjyoying my company. Not that i don’t like to be social.Still a party girl, friendly, always welcoming new and different types of people, but guess have gained this trait as well. To enjoy my company. And was actually thinking if all goes well, i’l be having a little company soon, which will change this enjoying loneliness thing, so should cherish this.

On a general note, one should try to enjoy all moments, for all of them are different in one way or the other. Just can never forget an advice, from some random well wisher. Don’t be emotionally dependent upon anybody. Sir, it did not get to me at time. But i know it now. Really you can get to know what is going inside someone. Will never forget this advice. So it gives me boost to not be like those who sulk in the absence of some specific body.

Another day around

Frankly have no idea what i am doing with my time these days. Actually kind of missing those hectic days of long calls and getting weird with free weekends. Actually that hustle and bustle did not make me miss him.

Once again was advised by some recent moms that ‘enjoy this time’ of yours but am seriously clueless as to how. i mean right if you are talking about the excuse i am giving to myself for not studying anything is something else. But other than that how do i enjoy it. There isn’t anybody around to pamper me, or look after what i am eating, even if i go without food for whole day, nobody is going to bother. 😦 And then again nobody is there to see that i don’t bend, jump etc etc in a certain position. Anything that can harm me or LO. And then again, flaunting my bump, again no circumstances for that , for on the other hand i am feeling as i am being left out on some occasions as to my looks. 😦 And people simply also don’t care because they think who would know better about it all then me myself, so, BOO. 😦 One should never be ungrateful, but sometimes i really envy housewives and laywomen, for all the attention and pamperment they get, but atleast one is there to give me attention, to look after me, to protect me, my Allah 🙂 He will not let any bad come to me. i know. He is definitely looking pretty well after me and LO as it is only His discretion. And i can never be ungrateful for that. As for the rest of the world, may be all that attention is just not meant for me. May be the LO is not important for anyone but must be important in some way, for somebody for Allah would never decide to plan for his/her arrival in this world. and dear Lord, i know that the way you have been looking after us all the time, You will take care of Us at that critical time as well. You will make things easier for both of us. And you will not anything or anyone hurt me and LO. I really really have all the faith and trust.

Uncertainties!

Mostly i have to write it so that my faith that keep faltering, gets renewed, so that i know that what and how much things in life matter.

Okay, so current state of mind and body, might be natural but keep worrying about movements of this being inside me, but then if He has to bring a soul in this world, who am i to worry about, and if He does not, what benefit my worrying is going to bring to me.

Pains, difficulty in performing all the daily activities, this all odd appearance making me insecure, disturbed sleep, anxiety for upcoming big change in life, Above it, not so many people around to understand it and empathize with you, there cannot be. But then it is Him who put me in this state in the first place, and it is only Him sustaining this because it is not anybody’s lse task. If it is all Him, then it will again be Him who will get me through it and till the end of it only and only if He wants. So why worry.

Life and especially relationships are not a fairy tale, but when i know that my intentions are fair, then why worry about what somebody perceive’s. When i am doing what all i can to make things pleasant, then little misunderstandings here and there, little mood off now and again, should not let me judge anything on the whole. Should just stay calm, and quiet and let the tide pass, and after it will be a peaceful patch.

Allah bless me with all the courage and strength, health, wisdom and endurance to go through these phases of life smoothly. And help me understand that it is You who plan stuff for me and in the best way since you are the best of planners.

A

Will Not Shame My Faith!

children, wealth. Yes, we all have been warned that will be tested through them. And that they will be Fitna. Yes i am not an expert on the topic. And even if not by this reference did not i know that if He is to give me something, nothing or no one can prevent me from getting it, and once He has not fated me with something, nobody can make it come to me, then why worry so much. And what exactly is my status that worrying about something would never make it right. Its His discretion and only His!! and even He has decided to bless me right now, He will ensure that i get till the end of it all right. So i should not be worrying about it every second of my day.

Yes, its true that i want the time to go fast and safe so i have the perfect gift at the end but patience is the key. Allah g! bless me as you always have! Protect me as you always have. My thoughts can never even reach up to how great and Rehman and Ghani and Raheem You are. Beyond are imaginations. But the much we know is enough to put my heart to peace. Please bring peace to me and Sakoon and free me of all the worries of this world.